Posts Tagged ‘get my child to listen’

As a parent what do you choose to reflect?

April 5th, 2012

Every moment in connection with another is a moment where we can choose to uplift or negate another’s experience. Think about this for a minute. Each encounter with a child, partner, friend, community member, and even moments by yourself, are moments when you are given a choice. You can understand, validate, hear, honor, regard, witness, listen, or you can disregard, threaten, punish, negate, challenge, shame or diminish (of course there are many more choices too).

Yes, life is stressful and at times our tempers are short, we don’t have the desire to hear things, we are super busy and frankly just want things to be taken care of without having to ask another 100 times. Oh how human we are!

Here’s a valuable insight to help you navigate these moments- you are reflecting to others what is inside of you. You may ask your partner to listen, beg your child to do what you’ve asked, felt frustrated that you are not heard or respected, and at the core the question to ask yourself is are you respecting, listening to and honoring yourself?

We cannot ask others to give to us, what we do not give to ourselves. Now before your mind jumps ahead to reasons why this is not possible, or if you catch yourself moving into critical, blaming or shaming thoughts, take a deep breath-EXHALE.

How can you choose to honor, respect, listen to, validate yourself? In every moment when you desire to be critical or negative towards yourself or others, pause and exhale. Ask yourself what you choose to reflect.

CQ Playful Creative Activity:

Take out a piece of paper, collage materials, markers, pastels, or paint. Find a quiet place to work. Take a deep breath, and ask yourself, what is it that I need to hear right now? Allow yourself the space to explore with the art materials. Hold whatever you create with loving kindness and allow any judgments or negative thoughts to be released.

When you take the time to honor and witness your thoughts and feelings (both good and bad) you’ll likely feel re-energized, nourished, and ready to reflect your inner calm to those around you.

Want lots more empowering creative tools? Join our NEW Supportive, Non-Judgmental & Downright Awesome Community of Parents & Professionals committed to lovingly transforming the lives of children across the globe.

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3- Step “Super Secret” Formula to finally get your kids (and spouse) to listen

November 1st, 2011

Does your child have trouble listening to you? Are you feeling like a broken record, asking again and again for what you want, and feeling like you are being totally ignored? If you’ve asked for what you wanted and everyone in your household seems to ignore your request you’ll likely get to a point where you begin to wonder, “why isn’t this working, why aren’t they listening?”

You may begin to get to a boiling point, get mad, throw a fit,  threaten, just give in and take care of it yourself, or complain about all that you do for everyone in the house. What you’ll likely find is that when you reach your boiling point and react (or just take care of it yourself while silently resenting your family members), others may for a short period of time take notice.  Heck, you may even get your teen (or husband) to listen and pick-up their underwear off of the bedroom floor if you yell loudly enough, AND….

…you may be creating a pattern of negative behaviors to get your needs met. So your children and spouse continue to ignore your requests and pleas until you blow your top, then all of sudden they are listening,  responding quickly and wondering, “What’s up with mom ?”

We know that children model their parent’s behaviors, so the last thing you want to teach your child is that ignoring and then overreaching is a healthy way to communicate. The best way to teach your child to listen, respect your requests, and to communicate in healthy way is to learn how to communicate your wants and needs in a healthy manner first.

You can use creativity to get back into you parenting authority, and here’s a way you can do so. Create an image of something (or someone) that represent being empowered, strong, assertive, and clear. Take a minute to see what pops up for you. Now embody this! Wear it like a cloak and ground yourself in this image. When your child or spouse wants to “hook you into an argument” or they are ignoring your requests, connect with this empowering image before you respond. You’ll respond from a centered more calm place; then you can use the 3- Step “Super Secret” Formula to ask for what you need! You can take this exercise even further and create an image of this and put it in a place where you’ll see it often as visual reminder of being in your parenting power.

Drum roll please….I’m going to share with you my 3- Step “Super Secret” Formula to finally get your kids (and spouse) to listen.

  1. Validate your child’s feelings
  2. Use the assertive triangle to state how you feel and what you need. I teach that technique in the free audio-telesemiar  Secrets Your Kids Really Don’t Want You to Know: A Child Art Therapist Tells All (*except for the confidential stuff) and you can access in the box above.
  3. Be clear of consequences and follow-through

Here’s how it might sound. You come in to your teen’s room and it is a mess and you’ve ask them to clean it and they are on Facebook with their friends.

“I understand that Facebook and connecting with your friends is important to you and it’s upsetting to get off the computer when you want to be on it. When I walk into your room and it’s messy and I asked you to clean it I feel upset and disrespected. Please pick-up all the clothes off of the floor and put them in the hamper and remove the dishes from your room by 9:00 pm tonight. If you choose not to then you will not be able to use the computer tomorrow.”

DONE! This is no need to lecture, no need to yell, not need to threaten, you have clearly asserted you needs, set reasonable expectations and consequences and given your child a choice. So there is no need to go on and on and lecture them (doing so you’ll lose your parenting authority).

This must be done in a neutral tone being in your parenting authority, so your child does not hook you and get you to react! Embody that image you created and operate from this calm- empowered place and you’ll be modeling for your children and spouse how to listen respectfully.

Have you tried different ways to communicate, but your child or spouse is still not listening?  We can help!

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Need help with your child behaviors? Got back to school questions? What to do when your child acts out in public?

August 24th, 2011

Join me as we talk about all issues with children: sex after kids, getting your kids to behave, cyber-bullying, sexting, online predator worries, teaching your kids respect, single parent struggles, back to school stress tips, etc. If you have kid-related issues, be sure to ask them LIVE on Thursday at 2 eastern when I takeover YourTango Facebook Fan Page

Got questions about children and your relationships? Have your questions answered live by Dr. Laura Dessauer, Thursday, August 25th at https://www.facebook.com/YourTango

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Chores & chore charts: Stop fighting over chores and get your kids to do chores

June 27th, 2011

Tired of nagging, fighting, and blaming your children to get their chores done?

You want to have your child clean their room, help around the house, and pick-up after themselves without fighting. Children need support and reminders, yet you are tired of reminding them and nagging. So what’s a parent to do? Create a chore chart!

Here are several chore charts to choose from:

http://dltk-cards.com/chart/

http://www.chorecharts.com/Free-Charts-Charts.aspx

http://casualkeystrokes.com/custom-summer-chore-chart/

Being a true Creativity Queen I’ll share with you how to help your child be more invested in getting their chores done, how you can quit nagging, why most chores charts fail, and what you can do instead to have a success in helping your child become responsible for their chores.

You can quit nagging your child when you create a chore chart that your child will actually want to do. Here are some ways to help your child become invested in their chores (so you can stop nagging).

Know what your child can do by themselves and what they may need help with.  Depending upon your child’s age and abilities they can put clothes in their hamper, take out the trash, put away the dishes, and/or vacuum their room.

Be specific. Regardless of a child’s age write down clearly what you want (teens love to say I didn’t know that’s what you wanted). So instead of saying clean your room,write down pick up your clothes off of the floor and put them in the hamper. Younger children may have fewer tasks, and older children may be expected to do a chore daily, write this down on the chart.

Add customized flair and words and images to their chart. Younger creative children can draw images of their chores and add it to their chart, this creates an investment in the process. Encourage your child to get crafty, use magazine pictures, markers and glitter and create a customized chore chart with each child that they are excited to add to their wall.

Allow your child choices with what day they will do each task. Add it to the calender and be clear on when you want it done by (older children may need a clear time written down, and you may notice they’ll wait until the last minute to complete what is requested of them).

Come up with an agreement on how you will remind them. Younger children may need multiple reminders, older children may just want one, teens may want you to leave them alone. Get clear on how you should remind them, if it is necessary.

Here are some reasons why chore charts don’t work. Your child is not invested. They don’t care about chores, but they do care about other things such as electronics. Make an agreement that they will earn time doing things they enjoy when they complete their chores. Older children may need this in writing (they tend to be lawyers and look for the loopholes, so write out your expectations and consequences clearly).

Finally, the reason why chore charts don’t work is because you stop following through. Life is super busy, so another “do to” added to your list easily becomes forgotten a few weeks after you begin. It’s easier to just pick up the laundry off the floor than to follow the chart and give a reminder, or you just plain forget.

Make it a priority, you’ll spend less time arguing about chores and more time enjoying each other, and isn’t that what every parent wants?

Are you in need of more support? Sometimes things, such as getting your child to do chores, becomes such a struggle and you may resort to yelling and arguing to get things done. If that’s your family, we can help! Schedule a complimentary Support Consultation to best help your family communicate>> https://thecreativityqueen.com/schedule

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